


A Take on Normative Ideals

by seasaltslumber (93rdfragment)



Series: Triumph [12]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 10:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14999051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/93rdfragment/pseuds/seasaltslumber
Summary: Huang Renjun finds that he might be different from other people in a unique way. His discovery heightens in the middle of his relationship with Na Jaemin. This is their brief take on love and relationships.





	A Take on Normative Ideals

The rays of the setting sun bathe the bustling city streets in orange hues. Crowds gather and disperse like the swelling tides. Huang Renjun skirts around them, mindful only of his own self and his belongings. He adjusts his backpack as he turns around the corner. It takes him only a minute more to arrive at Seodaemun Municipal Library.

The automatic doors open and he makes his way to the elevator. Once on the 3rd floor, he alights with a bright expression. He feels more at ease here than the busy streets with limited spaces. Renjun situates himself at an empty seat and spreads his study materials out. Time passes as he concentrates in reviewing for his Korean exam.

A brief ruckus causes his head to turn. Renjun sees a couple laugh affectionately with each other. He watches them move closer to each other before steering his focus back to his book. No matter how he tries though, he can’t put in the effort to study again. His thoughts flow in an altogether different direction.

Renjun brings out another notebook and flips through pages until he finds a blank one. His fingers pause as the pen in his hand hovers over the paper. It takes him a long moment of thought before starting to write.

_Will I ever feel the way couples do? Will I experience that love? What does that feel like? To love in such a way seems so incomprehensible._

_Will I find someone?_

At the dot of his question mark, Renjun releases his grip on the pen and lays it down. He chances a glance at the couple, only to see them kiss. His head swivels back to his notebook quick, eyes glued to the page yet unfocused. He decides that it’s enough studying for today. He puts his study materials away once more, including the nondescript notebook.

The walk home depletes him of the limited energy he has left. Home takes the shape of a small unit at a villa apartment complex in Moraenae-ro 21-gil. It used to belong to his friend, Dong Sicheng, who has since moved to a different district after graduating from university. After much persuasion, he gained permission to live there on his own to pursue his undergraduate in Korea rather than in China.

The villa stays generally clean with a little mess here and there. Renjun drops his backpack next to his small study desk and drags himself to the kitchen. As he cooks dinner, the sound of an incoming call breaks his concentration. He answers the call from his dear friend, Na Jaemin, while putting it on speaker.

“Hey, Injun.”

“Hi, Jaemin. What’s up?”

“Just wanted to talk. Are you cooking dinner right now? I think I hear frying.”

Renjun laughs. “I am. You’re so keen when it comes to food but won’t hear the professor calling your name from right beside you.”

“This and that are two very different things!” Renjun can imagine the indignant expression on Jaemin’s face.

“If you say so. Have you studied yet?” Renjun turns the stove off and places a portion of his fried pork cutlets on a plate.

There’s a hum that permeates the room before a reply. “A bit. You went to the library?”

“Yeah. I got through half of the unit’s lessons.”

Renjun cleans up the stove area as Jaemin replies, “Tutor me! I’ll accompany you at the library.”

Eyes roll exasperatedly as Renjun places the rest of the cutlets in a tupperware and the pan in the sink. “We’ve been over this already. You’re the Korean here! How about _you_ teach _me_?”

“This is formal.” The sound of turning pages punctuates the reply. Renjun starts to eat his dinner as Jaemin talks. “You know how you don’t really put much thought to language since it’s become like a habit? Well, learning it formally is difficult after habitual use of conversational Korean. And slang!”

Renjun swallows his food before replying, “Isn’t that just you not taking high school Korean seriously back then? Besides, you’re a liar. You get high scores in our class work so you definitely understand our lessons.”

“Hey! Some of these are actually hard, you know!” Renjun hums in response, the kind that’s half-heartedly agreeing to end the conversation. Jaemin gasps at this. “You don’t believe me!”

“Well, they’re hard for me. I don’t know about you.” Renjun feeds himself some rice, amused at his friend. He chuckles as Jaemin gasps a second time.

“Okay, fine. A _few_ of these are hard.” Jaemin quickly continues to talk before Renjun could snipe at him about it. His voice comes out soft and a bit hesitant through the phone, “So maybe I just want to spend even more time with you.”

Renjun pauses his chewing at the confession. It’s been awhile since Jaemin was vocal about wanting to spend more time with him. The first was when they befriended each other in their 1st year of university, taking 3 same classes. The second and third were during exam periods. The fourth was during vacation. This makes the fifth. Although, it seems sort of strange since they spend time with each other everyday in the university.

“Come with me.” Renjun says without further thought on the subject. He has never minded Jaemin’s company during his times of solitude. “You know my schedule like the back of your hand. Message me or call me. I’ll tell you if I’m there.”

A pause stretches out before Jaemin speaks, still soft and hesitant, “What if I want to grab dinner with you instead?”

This time, Renjun stops eating altogether and stares at his phone. His friend is acting odd. He doesn’t quite understand what’s happening or if there’s something being implied. It seems like it. It’s such an odd question. They eat together often, including dinner, so it’s not a necessary question to ask. Renjun’s answer will obviously be a yes.

“Renjun?”

“Sorry.” Renjun blinks a few times, trying to focus on the present. “I was just- I mean, I don’t know why you have to ask. Yes, we could grab dinner if you want. It’s never been a problem, Jaemin. Unless I was broke.”

“I’m paying.” Jaemin’s voice comes out as resolute.

“Well, I won’t say no to free food.” Renjun shrugs and begins eating again. He’ll just chalk this up as another weird Jaemin moment. These have been happening a lot recently, if he actually thinks about it. Ah well, he dismisses.

Jaemin groans and a thud echoes from Jaemin’s side. A muffled voice complains, “You’re so dense.”

“And you’re stupid. So who’s a bigger fool?”

“You!” Jaemin’s indignant shout would have surprised Renjun if it weren’t still so muffled. “But you’re a cute fool.”

Renjun hums. “I acknowledge the cute part in that sentence.”

“Of course you do. It’s the truth. You’re way too cute for your own good.” Jaemin’s voice becomes clearer so Renjun guesses he’s finally lifted up his head from his arms. The next part comes a little rushed but clear enough for Renjun to understand. “I meant it as a date.”

Renjun chokes on his pork cutlet and rushes to drink water. He hears Jaemin’s concerned questions but his mind tangles up into a jumbled mess of thoughts. He manages to ask “What?” as he slams the cup of water down on the small table.

Jaemin says it slower this time yet still sounding fearful, “I meant it as a date.”

“I know you’re gay and you know I feel attracted to both sexes but I repeat,” Renjun clutches his phone warily, staring at it with wide eyes, “what?”

“This is why I said you’re a fool. I’m- I’m asking you out on a date, Huang Renjun.”

“And this is out of the blue! So like I said too, you’re a bigger fool! How did you expect me to respond?” Renjun almost wants to throw his phone at the wall, or at Jaemin if possible. “Give me some time! Good night!”

Renjun ends the call quick and goes back to staring at his phone. Hours ago at the library, he was contemplating if he could find someone. Apparently, it might be one of his close friends. He groans, pushing his plate away, and lets his forehead meet the table with a thud. Getting what he was asking for doesn’t feel like an accomplishment at all. Renjun feels wholly confused and slightly apprehensive. After minutes of unproductive contemplation and ignoring the sounds of messages, he decides to clean up and head to bed.

 

*

 

Morning comes with a false sense of serenity and a sleep-deprived headache. Renjun frowns at the rays of sunlight and then at his phone. It shows the time 4:30am and the last unread message from Jaemin, saying “ok”. This came after he messaged “Sorry I hung up on you like that. Next time, I’ll try not to. But I really do need some time to think about what you said. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Tomorrow is now. Renjun thinks it’s quite unfair for time to move so quickly when unwanted. He barely knows what to do. He _doesn’t_ know what to do. He’s never thought about pursuing a relationship with Jaemin or anyone. His ponderings the night before are no help. He admits that his friend is quite attractive and his smile is heartwarming. Does he have romantic feelings for Jaemin, though? He ruffles his hair in frustration. He’s never felt that way towards anyone.

Renjun decides to message Sicheng, “Ge. I need some advice.” As he waits for a reply, he gets ready for class. He almost leaves his pajama top on as he goes around the apartment in a daze. The reply arrives just in time to stop him from pouring pancake mix into his bowl instead of cereal. He opens the message.

_“What’s wrong? Something bad happen?”_

_“Not really...but I don’t know what to do...”_

_“With what?”_

_“Uh. Well. You see. Jaemin asked me out.”_ Renjun presses send in a hurry, before he can delete his message. Then, he realizes he needs to clarify the situation and he quickly messages again. _”As in a date. He said it’s a date.”_

Moments pass before Sicheng’s reply come in. _”Do you need advice for behaving during a date? Or for rejecting him??”_

Renjun hangs his head low with a groan. That’s probably what people would usually think about. Yet here he is, one of those contemplating about whether or not they feel anything romantic at all. He replies, _”What if I’m not sure if I like him that way?? What do I do?? I don’t wanna hurt his feelings…”_

Instead of chewing on his bottom lip in confused frustration, Renjun grabs the actual cereal box and pours it into the bowl with milk. He plops himself on the chair and munches on his breakfast. Why does he have to be so confusing? Why does he always question everything? Why is he questioning himself now? His munches turn into angry ones until Sicheng messages again.

_”Well, if you’re considering, then maybe go for it. Maybe you’ll like him after going on dates. Just be honest with him!”_

_“Won’t that get his hopes up?”_

_“That’s why I said be honest. Let him know your thoughts and feelings about this. If he still wants to date, then that’s his choice.”_

_“Ge...why are relationships so difficult? And confusing??”_

_“Haha I always forget you’ve never dated before. My baby is growing up.”_

_“Shut up! That comment was so unnecessary!”_

_“Sure, sure. Update me, okay? I’m heading off to work.”_

At that, Renjun looks at the time to see that it’s almost 6am. He sends a quick reply, _”Take care! Off to school!”_ Rushing his breakfast and last-minute preparations, he heads out to catch the train. It isn’t until after his second class that he sees Jaemin. As soon as he exits his classroom, he spots Jaemin walking to him. He can’t help feeling a little nervous about the conversation they’ll have.

Jaemin gives him a small smile as his friend stops in front of him. “Injun.”

Renjun wonders how Jaemin can smile at him even when the other is clearly nervous and hasn’t slept much. “Jaemin. You-”

“I’m okay. Wanna grab some bubble tea before our class?” Jaemin dismisses Renjun’s unfinished comment and wraps an arm around his shoulder. Renjun finds himself steered out of the Humanities building. They go to a small stall nearby selling bubble tea.

Renjun pays for both of their drinks before Jaemin could get money. He still feels a bit bad for coming off rude last night to his friend. Jaemin pouts at him but he’s become immune to it and simply sips his bubble tea. They start their walk back into the building in silence. After awhile, he feels a bump on his arm and looks up to see Jaemin smiling.

“Thanks,” Jaemin raises his bubble tea in emphasis.

Renjun shrugs in response, smiling afterwards at his friend. His thoughts pause at the word “friend”. He wonders if Jaemin is still categorized as “friend” or something else. He looks back again at Jaemin and purses his lips to one side, unconsciously stopping in his steps.

Jaemin stops as well. He turns and looks right back at Renjun with a “What is it?”

“I don’t know if I have feelings for you like that or not.” Renjun lets his thoughts and words flow freely out of him. Even through his nervousness, it has always been this comfortable with Jaemin since the start of their friendship. He has little worries about what Jaemin would think of him. However, it seems Jaemin is having a bit of a hard time with how he’s taking Renjun’s bluntness this time. Renjun almost laughs as Jaemin chokes on his drink. “Are you okay?”

Jaemin scowls at Renjun for a second before continuing his coughing fit. Once he calms down, he responds, “Really? You’re gonna ask me if I’m okay when you’re the one who made me choke? Thank, Injun.”

“Well, it’s the proper response to someone choking on their drink.” Renjun gives Jaemin a small, cheeky smile. “You seem to be okay now.”

“Yeah.” Jaemin looks a little out of it still. His eyes dart around as his cheeks turn a pale pink hue. He doesn’t look Renjun in the eyes as he speaks, “Are we really gonna talk about this here? Right now?”

Renjun looks around them to see that they stopped at the corner of the building’s ground lobby. A small breath of “oh” and quiet laugh follow Renjun’s realization of their uncanny setting. “I didn’t mean to. I just wanted it off my chest.”

“Okay.” Jaemin’s eyes fall to their feet, inches apart. Renjun studies his friend for a moment before punching Jaemin’s arm playfully.

“You better listen to all I have to say first before thinking bad about our… uhh… relationship?” Renjun stumbles over what to call them. His cheeks feel warm but he soldiers on. In spite of never having a lover before, Renjun knows that misunderstandings and lack of communication destroys even the best of relationships, friends or lovers or family. “Don’t do anything or think anything rash until we’ve talked about this. Okay?”

Jaemin looks up with a smile, finally looking Renjun in the eyes. “Didn’t know you were a relationship expert, Injun. I thought you’ve never dated before.”

Renjun rolls his eyes at this and starts walking again. “Shut up. I don’t need the experience to know some things about how relationships work, idiot. Come on or I’ll sit with someone else.”

Jaemin appears by Renjun’s side in an instant, arm wrapped around Renjun’s shoulders. “You wouldn’t do that to me, Injun. You wouldn’t leave me lonely and alone in this boring class.”

“Boring?” Renjun laughs loud. “Says the guy that’s glued to the prof’s words every second of the class. Stop lying, Jaemin. You’re a Lit nerd even if you’re an Environmental Science and Engineering major. That’s always such a mouthful.”

Jaemin snickers at Renjun’s antics. “Just say ESE like the rest of us.”

“Not everyone understands what ESE means.” Renjun sips his bubble tea, frowning when he notices it’s halfway empty. “If there were actual genies, one of my wishes will definitely be unlimited food and drinks for me when I want it.”

“Just for you? Not the rest of us?” Jaemin quirks an eyebrow at Renjun who shrugs.

“Listen. I can be selfish in my wishful thinking, okay? I’ll save the selflessness when I’m actually doing something concrete for other people.” Renjun sticks his tongue out at his friend. Jaemin’s laugh makes him smile afterward. He has a feeling things will work out between them. For now, they walk into their class.

*

The busy restaurant seems hardly any better than the Humanities lobby to have their conversation but Renjun shrugs. It’s not as if they will cause a scene later. He believes they’re both better than that. The noise is also good to drown out their conversation before anyone can judge them for their preferences. He sits quietly as they wait for their order.

“Uhh… so, Injun,” Jaemin mumbles with his fingers twiddling on top of the table. “You were saying a while ago?”

“I was- Well, I said I don’t know if I like you the way you like me. I don’t- How do you know you like me that way?” Renjun looks at Jaemin in confusion. He honestly wonders how other people can say for certain that they like another person romantically. How do they differentiate that from feeling close to a friend?

Jaemin’s eyes widen, looking taken aback. He stutters for a long moment before composing himself. He takes a deep breath, cheeks red, “I like being around you. I miss you immediately when we’ve just seen each other. You make me happy. You keep me grounded and you make me a better person. It’s a lot of things that I just know mean that I like you. As in I want to be your boyfriend.”

The spiel makes Renjun silent and contemplative. He stares at Jaemin as he ponders on his friend’s words. He feels the same way as Jaemin. He’s happy and comfortable with Jaemin. He misses Jaemin when they’re not hanging out. He thinks Jaemin is a positive influence in his life. This is all true so does it mean that he likes Jaemin too? Does it mean he wants to be Jaemin’s boyfriend? It doesn’t seem like a bad idea. He knows they’re good together. Only that he’s unsure.

“Jun?”

Renjun blinks a few times and refocuses on the present. He sees Jaemin’s worried expression and smiles. “Jaem.”

“What are you thinking?” Jaemin bites his lower lip before quickly adding, “Oh. Sorry. I’m not rushing you or anything. Uhh- I was just- I’m not-”

“It’s okay.” Renjun reaches out to pat Jaemin’s head. He smiles at how soft the other’s hair feels. He pulls his hand back, still smiling. “Well, I was thinking that I do feel happy with you. And I miss you if we don’t hang out. I’m the most comfortable with you. Your presence just makes me feel good, in general. I feel all those things so I don’t know why I’m not as sure as you that I like you as a potential boyfriend.”

By the end of his talking, Renjun’s smile is a little frown. Maybe he thinks too much about everything. Maybe he’s too skeptical. He gets pulled out of his thoughts when their chicken and rice arrive. He notices Jaemin watching him intently as they start to eat. The lack of reply from Jaemin makes him queasy, almost unable to stomach eating dinner.

“You don’t have to be sure.” Jaemin’s voice almost drowns in the cacophony around them. Renjun looks up from his plate to see Jaemin staring at him. “If you’re willing to date me, then we can find out together.”

Renjun swallows his food before responding in hesitance. “I don’t want you to hope for something and get nothing in return. I don’t want you to get hurt. Especially if it’s because I can’t like you.”

“I want to try, anyway. I think I’ll regret it if I didn’t at least try.” Jaemin responds with much determination in his voice and demeanor. It makes Renjun feel reassured.

Still, Renjun questions, “And will we still be friends if it doesn’t work out? I value you, Jaemin. I don’t want to lose you at the end of this.”

Jaemin’s eyes flicker down and around them. He looks unsure for a moment before he turns his eyes to Renjun again. “I can’t promise it won’t be awkward. There will probably be a time where I can’t face you. But, Renjun, I promise that, if I do get hurt, I’ll get over it and we’ll be friends. You’re important to me too.”

Renjun taps his spoon on his plate in contemplation. He heaves a deep breath before looking at Jaemin. With the most determination he can muster, he nods and says, “Okay. We’ll try this. We’ll try us.”

The moment Jaemin’s face lights up in delight, Renjun feels warm and happy. It feels nice to be able to make Jaemin happy. They continue the night as they usually would. Jaemin tries to walk Renjun home but fails miserably as Renjun berates him. Renjun smiles as he watches Jaemin’s fading figure from the bus. His hopes fill him up as he gets home and falls asleep to Jaemin’s voice over the phone.

*

Over the course of a month, Renjun goes on secret dates with his boyfriend. He spends most of his waking hours either studying or spending time with Jaemin, sometimes both at the same time. Often, it takes a lot of effort for them not to be overly affectionate in public unless they wanted others questioning them. In spite of this, he can say that he’s filled with happiness.

The arguments they have are normal, nothing new. Renjun knows that their differences, and even similarities, will sometimes create friction. Jaemin can be arrogant and sharp-tongued. He himself can be just as sharp-tongued, although mostly reticent. Recently, he observes a jealous side to Jaemin.

Renjun tends to be physically affectionate to his friends. It has always been part of his behavior since young, possibly stemming from equally affectionate family relations. Jaemin knows this, experienced it when they were still friends and is still experiencing it now as his boyfriend. Yet, Renjun finds frowns on his boyfriend’s face often when he hugs or clings to his friends. Jaemin will exaggerate being affectionate to his friends too afterward.

Lee Donghyuck, one of their mutual friends, gets annoyed at this. Renjun knows Donghyuck finds Jaemin’s reaction petty since Donghyuck can be vocal about his thoughts. Many times he would comment in conversations between the two of them, “He’s so childish. How do you deal with him as his boyfriend?”

Renjun always replies, “Same as I always have.” He admits that he can be reticent but he’s not one that will back down in a confrontation. He will express his thoughts when necessary. If he deems it pertinent to talk to a person about a problem, he will. He applies the same principle with Jaemin.

“Hey, Nana,” Renjun calls out softly as they sit on a bench. They’re in one of the more secluded areas of the university. It’s an area they often go to when they feel like being away from prying eyes. Jaemin hums and looks back at him. His palms sweat and he bites the inside of his cheek.

“Are you okay, Injun?” Jaemin holds onto one of Renjun’s wrists and caresses Renjun’s palm with his thumb.

He isn’t quite okay. He’s nervous but he talks himself into being brave anyway. “Nana, I’ve noticed something recently. I don’t know if you’re already trying to deal with it or not but I just wanted to check in with you.”

Jaemin’s expression turns serious, almost looking like he knows what Renjun is alluding to. “What is it?”

“You-” Renjun stops abruptly before sighing and looking off to the side. “You frown when I’m affectionate with my friends and then you go ahead and do the same thing.”

“I-”

“Nana-”

They speak at the same time, looking at each other and then smiling a little. Renjun sighs again and continues, “Are you jealous?”

“I am.” Jaemin’s small smile disappears. He frowns again, thumb stopping its motion against Renjun’s palm. “I’m jealous. I wish you wouldn’t do it.”

Renjun doesn’t hesitate to scowl at Jaemin, feeling indignant. “That’s unfair. And besides, I don’t say anything about you doing the same thing.”

“Which I don’t get? Why are you _not_ jealous? But listen, I am sorry. I already know I’ve been childish. Hyuck already told me I’m being stupid.” Jaemin looks off to the side, nose upturned, but Renjun understands his boyfriend is remorseful. “I still don’t get why you’re not jealous too.”

“Why would I be?” Renjun moves his arm so that Jaemin’s hand holds his hand instead of his wrist. He watches Jaemin ponder, eyes faraway, and startles a bit when he sees a heartbroken expression on Jaemin’s face moments later. “Nana? Jaemin? What’s wrong?”

“I-” Jaemin can’t seem to get the words out or look at Renjun in the eye. Instead, his eyes look down at their joined hands.

Renjun squeezes Jaemin’s hand as he coaxes, “Hey, you can tell me.”

“No.” Jaemin shakes his head, still not looking up. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Don’t- Don’t worry. I’m sorry for being jealous and acting childish. I’ll be good. I’m not stopping you and I won’t act that way again.”

The words shock Renjun. This is what he hoped for in this conversation but it seems off somehow. Jaemin isn’t supposed to sound so crestfallen about something Renjun can’t figure out. Something with his question definitely didn’t sit well with his boyfriend. He doesn’t know how. Something about Jaemin’s apology feels incredibly wrong.

It isn’t just that either. He knows something is off about himself as well, having pondered it for the past days. He’s happy with Jaemin but nothing has changed to him. It doesn’t feel like there’s a significant difference between how they were as friends to now that they’re boyfriends. Being reminded of this, he feels an awkwardness settle between them. He doesn’t want Jaemin to be ‘good’, whatever that might mean. He just wants Jaemin to be Jaemin.

“Jaemin.”

Still, his boyfriend doesn’t look up and simply hums to acknowledge him. Renjun frowns and tugs Jaemin’s hand so the other jerks closer to him. This time Jaemin looks up, startled. “Renjun?”

“You need to be honest with me. Don’t mope and think I’ll understand what you’re moping about without telling me.” Renjun continues to frown at Jaemin. “I already told you since the beginning that it’s important to talk things out.”

At those words, a fearful expression falls upon Jaemin’s face. He stutters over his words, “I don’t- I’m not expecting you to know my thoughts or to do something about me being sad. I’m just- You really- I can’t tell you. And it’s not something you can help me with.”

“Am I not your boyfriend?” Renjun bites the inside of his cheek. He feels so far away from Jaemin right now. “And I’m your friend, first and foremost. I want to help. Even if it’s just to listen to you. You know I’ve never liked seeing you sad.”

Jaemin sighs, the corner of his lips twitching a little to an almost lopsided smile. “I know. You can be very aggressive at making me feeling better. But you know, I don’t have to be happy all the time. I can be sad too. I can be jealous too. I think I have to let myself feel my emotions too so I know how to handle them better.”

Renjun studies Jaemin for a moment before quietly asking, “Are you still jealous?”

Jaemin’s eyebrow raises before he scoffs. “I think that’s a given, Injun. I’m gonna be jealous of you giving everyone the same affections that you give to me. But I’m gonna try not to be a child about it. That’s just who you are. I’m not gonna ask you to change a fundamental part of yourself because I feel insecure. Hyuck made sure I realized how wrong that is.”

The word ‘insecure’ takes Renjun aback. He doesn’t expect Jaemin to be insecure about their relationship. Sometimes, he doesn’t expect Jaemin to be insecure at all. His boyfriend always looks composed and sure of himself, often to the point of seeming pompous. Even when Jaemin is silent, he never portrays insecurity but a sense of astuteness. So he can’t help but ask, “You’re...insecure?”

Once more, Jaemin looks unnerved. He sighs before looking at Renjun with a pleading expression. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think I can.”

“We have to. We need to solve this.” Renjun furrows his brows, quite concerned. He squeezes Jaemin’s hand again which makes Jaemin look down. He watches shock pass through Jaemin’s face before dejection settles.

“There’s nothing for _you_ to solve. It’s my own problem.” Jaemin’s lips tighten into a line for a moment then he says, “I knew what I was getting into.”

“Nana,” Renjun lets go of Jaemin’s hand to embrace him. “I’m sorry.”

When Jaemin stiffens in Renjun’s arms, he realizes Jaemin must have taken his apology the wrong way. He scrambles to explain himself. “No, Nana, I’m sorry that I’m taking so long to understand my feelings. I still don’t know. And I’m sorry that I’m hurting you while you wait for me. It’s not just your problem. Stop thinking like that when this relationship involves two people.”

Jaemin embraces Renjun back after hearing Renjun’s words whispered to his ear. “But I don’t want you to force yourself to have feelings for me when they’re not there. That’s not fair to you or me. I can be arrogant and sometimes rude and childish, I know. But I’m not selfish, Injun.”

“I know you’re not, Nana. You’re very kind.” Renjun brushes his hand through Jaemin’s hair. “It’s also unfair to you if I keep leading you on. I- Until when can you wait for me?”

Jaemin’s grip on Renjun’s shirt tightens. Renjun feels his boyfriend shake a little against him. Jaemin scoffs softly, “I want to say forever. Be romantic, you know.”

The reply makes Renjun pat Jaemin’s head in mild admonishment. “Shut up, Nana. Stop trying to be romantic. I’ve never been swayed by it.”

Broken chuckles follow. “Maybe that’s why.”

“Na Jaemin. Be honest with me.” Renjun tickles Jaemin’s sides before looking at him as they separate. “Until when?”

“I was being serious,” Jaemin huffs. He looks Renjun in the eye before looking off to the side. “I don’t know until when. I don’t want to overestimate my capacity. I’m not like that.”

“So?”

“Four months. And if I can wait longer, I’ll tell you.” Jaemin sounds determined, feels determined as he clutches Renjun’s hands in his. “Are you going to try?”

“I am. I’m trying, Nana.” Renjun feels remorse at the reminder that he’s causing confusion and pain to his boyfriend. He almost moves back when Jaemin suddenly presses their foreheads together. “What?”

“Stupid. Stop trying. I never asked you to try.” Jaemin sounds like he’s smiling, even if Renjun can’t see it. All he can see are Jaemin’s sparkling eyes boring into his. “Just fall in love with me.”

Renjun sighs and kisses Jaemin’s cheek before moving away to face him properly again. “I hope so.”

*

Still, nothing changes. There aren’t changes between them and there aren’t changes in Renjun’s feelings either. Renjun can see Jaemin trying his best and he reciprocates it. All the hand-holding, hugs, cheek kisses, and everything else, they just aren’t the same. Jaemin does it in a romantic sense and expects romance in return. Renjun expects the same from himself and yet doesn’t feel it. There is no question that Jaemin is dear to him, special even. He kisses Jaemin on the cheeks and occasionally on the lips. He feels comfortable enough to do those things that he can’t with other people. The only thing is that he doesn’t feel any ounce of romance doing them.

_Am I broken? Am I the only one who can’t seem to feel love? What does that even feel like? Being in love..._

_Jaemin is attractive. Jaemin is kind. Jaemin makes me feel safe and comfortable. Jaemin makes me feel warm and loved. What more does Jaemin have to be? What more does he have to do for me to love him like he loves me? What’s wrong?_

_Is it...possible not to feel this kind of love? This romantic love everyone seems so hung up. That I’m so hung up on...should I let it go?_

_I always thought I would also fall in love like everyone else…_

_I’m broken somehow._

Each time Renjun writes on his notebook, he feels the weight of the world bear down on him even more. He tries to breathe and remind himself to be rational. It doesn’t always work. He listens to Jaemin’s voice over the phone. Sometimes, he feels comfort. Sometimes, he feels even more pain. It surely doesn’t go unnoticed by Jaemin who looks worriedly at him from time to time. Renjun almost rolls his eyes when he sees Jaemin’s expression. Between the two of them, he has all the courage when it comes to confronting things about their relationship.

So, he sits Jaemin down in his room when he’s had enough of Jaemin’s lousy attempts at checking what’s wrong. “Nana, you’ve been dancing around me for ages.”

“Not literally.” Despite the grin, Jaemin looks apprehensive. “I’m- I’m just worried. You haven’t been happy. Is it...me?”

“Why do you always assume it’s you whenever I’m in a mood?” Renjun rolls his eyes this time. “Can’t it be because I’m stressed out with exams? Or a presentation? Or maybe I had a bad lunch?”

“You had lunch with me and we had take-out from your favorite Chinese restaurant. Definitely not that.” Jaemin smiles with much amusement. “No exams or presentations. You would have told me in our study sessions.”

Renjun scrunches his face at being caught. “Fine. None of those. But not you either.”

“Then what?” Jaemin holds Renjun’s hand. It’s become a comforting gesture for both of them since that talk from three months ago.

For a long while, Renjun couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t find the courage or even the strength to be brave. This has been hurting him and he knows it will hurt Jaemin as well. He needs to be honest. He’s always the one saying that. God, he thinks to himself, it’s so hard being honest. He sighs out loud, wanting to release all of his anxieties. It doesn’t help at all. The hand not held by Jaemin rises and Renjun bites on his thumbnail. Jaemin is quick to grab it and hold onto it as well.

“Renjun. Is it a bad time to talk about this?” Jaemin squeezes both of Renjun’s hands. “I’m just worried that you’ve been looking distressed lately. I wanna check on you.”

Renjun nods to acknowledge his boyfriend’s words. He feels his throat clog up at the word ‘boyfriend’. It seems like he can’t quite stomach calling Jaemin that even in his mind, knowing full well the chaos in his feelings.

“So it’s stupid to ask but...are you okay? Just nod or shake your head.”

It takes a few moments for Renjun to shake his head.

Jaemin’s eyes fixate on Renjun, even as Renjun refuses to look straight at Jaemin. “You already said it’s not me. So is it about us?”

Renjun shrugs, stomach feeling more and more queasy. He feels his palms sweat profusely against Jaemin’s. The need to move away piles up as embarrassment and dismay flood over him. Despite this, he doesn’t move. He owes Jaemin even the little bit of honesty that he can muster.

“I’m guessing that was a maybe. Do you...maybe feel suffocated?” Jaemin sounds just as unsure as how Renjun is about everything.

Renjun shakes his head profusely. He manages to choke out, “Never.”

Jaemin sighs, caressing Renjun’s hands in his. “Do you feel...pressured?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath from Renjun and he doesn’t need to look in a mirror to know he looks frightened. Jaemin looks at him with sorrow. He wants to say something reassuring to Jaemin but the words get lost in the jumbled mess of his thoughts. Several times, he opens and closes his mouth. When words continue to fail him, he looks at Jaemin in heartache and holds tightly onto Jaemin’s hands.

“I’m-” Jaemin stops short, as lost as Renjun is. They sit in silence for several minutes. Jaemin uses that time to gaze at Renjun, never looking away. Then, he smiles even when the hurt is obvious. “Hey, I’m gonna be the brave one this time around.”

It takes only a second for Renjun to understand where Jaemin is going with this. He stares at Jaemin with wide eyes before shaking his head vigorously. “No. Nana, no.”

“Injun,” Jaemin still keeps the smile on his face. “You’re not happy anymore. I can take waiting for you if you were happy being with me. That was okay. I was okay. Because you were happy. But you’re not. You’re not happy now. And I have to do it. Let me do it.”

“Nana, I can love you. I can. Just wait.” Renjun feels his face grow hot as tears build up in his eyes and frustration fills him. “Please wait.”

A long sigh answers Renjun’s plea. Jaemin pulls Renjun into his arms and cradles Renjun’s head against his shoulder. “Listen, Injun. Listen carefully. There’s no question that I can wait for you. No question at all. I love you that much. You make me the happiest person just being by my side. But you’re not happy. Honestly...you look lost. Like you don’t know what to do...I know you care for me. You love me. Just...just not the same way I love you. And it’s gonna be okay, Injun. You don’t have to. Don’t force yourself, remember?”

“But Jaemin,” Renjun tries to protest, muffled by Jaemin’s sweater. “Jaemin…”

“I’m here. I’m listening, Injun.” Jaemin’s hand pats Renjun’s head. The other hand pulls Renjun even closer. “Talk to me. No matter what, I’m still your friend.”

“Jaemin, I can’t feel it. I don’t know what it feels like.” Renjun feels the anger at himself come back with a vengeance. His hands at Jaemin’s back curl up into fists and the words flow out of his mouth like spilled water. “I’ve listened to so many people tell me what love feels like. I’ve watched so many movies. Read so many books. Why don’t I understand it? Why can’t I feel it like everyone else can? Why me? Why am I like this, Nana?”

Renjun hears and feels Jaemin take a gulp before speaking, “Maybe...maybe you haven’t found the right person…”

“But I found you,” Renjun retorts. “I found you and I know you’re the right person. You feel like home, Jaemin. You’re home.”

“You-” Jaemin laughs quietly. Renjun can hear bitterness in it. “You say those kinds of things and sometimes I think you’re in love with me. But you’re not.”

“I’m so-”

“Stop right there. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about it.” Jaemin pinches Renjun’s side which makes him jump a little. “Maybe I feel like home but you need an adventure…”

“Na Jaemin, I do not.” Renjun pushes away from Jaemin enough to look at his boyfriend straight in the eye. “I don’t need an adventure. I don’t need to find the right person. That person is right here. I might be confused about feeling _love_ but I’m sure about this. You’re the right person. The only person I’ve ever agreed to date. Thinking about being in an actual relationship with other people makes me feel sick. I admit I’ve always imagined myself being in a relationship with someone. But that’s just imagination. Actually holding hands, cuddling, kissing...those kinds of things...and just everything about being in a relationship...it’s strange and frightening.”

Jaemin’s brows furrow in confusion. “I don’t...understand…”

Renjun brings one hand to his hair to ruffle it in vexation. “Same! I don’t understand myself either! I only know that you’re special and I love you. I don’t feel that...that romantic love. But I love you. So deeply, Jaemin. Please don’t doubt that.”

“If…” Jaemin bites his lip, uncertain yet slowly feeling determined. “If I told you that you don’t have to reciprocate my love. If you don’t have to overthink about your feelings. If we just continue as we are with no expectations about our feelings, just that we love each other. If we do that, will you still be with me?”

“Yes!” Renjun holds Jaemin’s face between his hands, excitement filling him at the prospect of this new dynamic in their relationship. He smiles as he whispers, “Always.”

“Okay, good. Great.” Jaemin smiles back at Renjun, still a bit confused but feeling better than he has for some time now. He tilts his head enough to peck Renjun’s palm. Both of his thumbs rub circles on Renjun’s sides. “You’re okay with me saying I love you, right?”

Renjun rolls his eyes as he pinches Jaemin’s cheeks. “Yes because I’m gonna say it right back at you. I love you. So I have to ask you too. Are you okay with this? I want to make sure you don’t feel regretful settling for this kind of set-up. Be honest with me, Na Jaemin.”

“When have I not been sure, Huang Renjun?” Jaemin pokes his tongue out in response.

“Cheeky!” Renjun squishes Jaemin’s face. “You weren’t sure a few minutes ago about our relationship. You weren’t sure what to get for lunch awhile ago. You weren’t sure about your answer in that essay for Korean Lit last week. You weren’t su-”

Jaemin cuts Renjun off by placing a hand over Renjun’s mouth. “Okay. I get it. I’m unsure about some things. But I’m sure about this one. I’ve spent three months being in a relationship with you, half unsure if you’ll ever love me back. Now, I get to be with you, one hundred percent sure that you love me. Even if it’s not the same way. You still love me. Apparently, I’m your home. Right?”

Renjun’s cheeks warm up in embarrassment. “Yes. You are. And I’m telling you this now. I might not feel the love you do but it doesn’t mean my love for you is any less. It fills my heart just like yours. I don’t feel the sparks or whatever. But I do feel warmth and comfort and happiness being with you. I feel just as profoundly as you do.”

“Profoundly. You got that term from Professor Kim, didn’t you?” Jaemin gets to grin for a second before he whimpers in pain as Renjun hits the top of his head with a fist. “I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have joked. We’re being very serious right now. Sorry.”

“You’re impossible sometimes,” Renjun mumbles with a fond smile.

Jaemin smiles as he takes Renjun’s hands in his. “I know. And I know you feel just as profoundly as I do. I can see it. I can feel it. Every day and every moment I’m with you. I admit that it might take some time for me to really let go of the hope that you’ll love me romantically. But I’ll work on it. I’m not going to pressure you to feel something that you’re sure you don’t. I’m- I want to be a better person than that. I want to be an understanding person. I want to be an understanding boyfriend you’ll be proud of and you’ll be happy with.”

“And I’ll- I’ll work on not being angry at myself and hating myself for not loving you romantically. I know I still feel regret at the moment. And lots of anger at myself.” Renjun breathes out a heavy sigh. Compared to earlier in their conversation, he’s a little more comfortable opening this up to Jaemin.

“Seems we got a lot to work on.” Jaemin squeezes Renjun’s hands in reassurance. “We’ll get through it. Just think of all the old ladies that never married and were very happy with their lives without a romantic partner. I think you’re like them. And that’s okay, isn’t it?”

“I...I never thought of that.” Renjun smiles in gratefulness as he says, “Thanks, Nana.”

“And well. We have the internet so maybe there are people out there like you. Let’s search together. I want to know more about that part of you.” Jaemin grins hopefully. It makes Renjun feel the most inexplicable happiness he has ever felt. He’s more than certain Jaemin is his soulmate of sorts. Jaemin is the person who will always strive to understand him and love him. Renjun promises to himself that he’ll strive to do the same for Jaemin. He’s going to hold onto the thought that his love for Jaemin doesn’t have to be romantic in nature to be valid.

*

Through their search, Renjun finds out that he’s aromantic. The details were confusing to both him and Jaemin but something clicked for Renjun. Even if the experiences of aromantic people varied from his, it doesn’t mean he’s not aromantic. The human experience is so diverse that it’s impossible to specifically define it. The term simply fits. He has fantasized about romantic relationships and admittedly enjoys romance as a genre but those things don’t invalidate him being aromantic. He doesn’t feel romantic attraction or feelings and he has no desire to be in a romantic relationship.

Of course, it gets tricky since he _is_ in a relationship with Jaemin. However, they also found out that there is a things called queerplatonic relationships. They fit right in. Their relationship isn’t the traditional romantic couple model and neither is it the traditional friend model. It’s different but holds so much meaning for both of them. Renjun remembers how Jaemin found it completely hilarious to call him his ‘zucchini’. Apparently, it’s the term for the people involved in queerplatonic relationships. Their combined circle of friends still don’t understand how ‘zucchini’ became a term of endearment between them but it stuck.

They agree that it will be best to keep all of this between them. No matter the growing openness and understanding of people’s sexuality and orientation, there are still heavy stigmas. A limited number of people in Korea understand the minority of asexuals and aromantics within the LGBT community. The concept is difficult to grasp even for some within the community. People grow up learning that romance and sex is expected in adult life. Often, people put romance on a pedestal and forgo friendships that are just as meaningful. There’s an unspoken belief that romance is necessary to have a fulfilling life. Renjun feels dispirited realizing that and comparing it to his own experience.

Jaemin never fails to hold him in a tight embrace whenever he starts to think badly about himself, especially regarding this. It’s hard to do away with the concept of amatonormativity and accept that he’s a complete individual without an amorous relationship. Jaemin will always whisper into his ear, “It’s okay. You’re you and that’s okay.”

Renjun has learned to hold onto those words. He’s also learned to hold Jaemin when the other feels insecure about their relationship. He also whispers into Jaemin’s ear, “You don’t have to be so hard on yourself to be perfect for me. You already are. I love you. I’m not leaving you.”

There’s still a lot for them to go through and internalize. But right now, Renjun turns off the light in his bedroom. He crawls under his sheets and lies down in comfort. Jaemin embraces him and pulls him close as they face each other. Outside, the moon is high and the stars shine bright. People are still bustling in the streets. They choose to spend this night by themselves in the quiet of their soon-to-be shared home.

“I love you, Huang Renjun.” Jaemin whispers against Renjun’s forehead. Renjun smiles. Some might think he should be weirded out by this declaration if he were actually aromantic. But they’re not him. They can’t invalidate him or his experience.

“I love you, Na Jaemin.” The words don’t need any explanation for Jaemin to understand their meaning and depth. Renjun moves slightly in order to kiss the corner of Jaemin’s lips. He looks into Jaemin’s eyes that reflect the same affection. They smile even as they fall asleep in each other’s embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> If it hasn't been stressed enough in the story, please don't make a case for Renjun having romantic feelings for Jaemin or them being in a romantic relationship. Please don't do it. I'm open to people asking about being aromantic and having queerplatonic relationships. But I will ignore any comments that invalidate the Renjun in this story and his experiences (as well as Jaemin).
> 
> I'm still anxious putting this up but I did it anyway. I hope it was to your satisfaction!


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